Parent Brain: The notifications Snapfish really wants to send

parenting with raquel dapice ugly volvo

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Also, the most demanding, exhausting, messy, stressful, maddening and hilarious. It’s no wonder that moms and dads can sometimes get a little… loopy. Hey, we’re not here to judge. But what we are here to do is bring a little insight (and a lot of levity) to these unique situations with help from the creator of The Ugly Volvo, Raquel D’Apice. We call this Parent Brain. Consider it proof that you’re not alone. Or crazy.

The notifications Snapfish really wants to send

10/23/2017
Hi, it’s us here at Snapfish, and we are so thrilled you have decided to brighten our world with your tiny, beautiful bundle of joy, of whom you have taken 8,921 photos. Thank you for uploading them to our site!

 

11/15/2017
Hey there! Don’t want to bother you because you’re OBVIOUSLY busy, which is probably why you haven’t printed out any of the 36,244 photos you took this weekend. Just wanted to give you a nudge since you literally keep saying “I need to get around to printing out some of these Snapfish photos” out loud, and we are just trying to help??

 

12/10/2017
Hi, thanks for printing out a Holiday card! PRINT YOUR PHOTOS!

 

1/25/2018
Please. Please please please just please print out a few of these photos. Judging by the number stored on your card, you are taking about 65 photos of your child every minute, which is roughly how many photos there are of Abraham Lincoln in existence, and he was literally the President of the United States.

 

2/11/2018
YOU HAVE TAKEN 899,324 PHOTOS OF YOUR CHILD OVER THE SPAN OF 12 MONTHS.

WE SEE YOU LOGGING IN TO MAKE AN INVITATION FOR A FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT WE HOLD DEAR, WILL YOU PLEASE JUST PRINT OUT SOME PHOTO BOOKS BEFORE YOUR CHILD IS 16 AND ALL THE PHOTOS OF THEM ARE POUT-MOUTHED SELFIES AT WEIRD ANGLES THAT THEY’RE SENDING TO THEIR EMOTIONLESS, DISINTERESTED CLASSMATES?? CHILDHOOD IS BEAUTIFUL AND FLEETING! WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TOO BUSY TO PRINT OUT PHOTOS EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST ELEVEN MONTHS???

 

3/21/2018
We are so sorry for the yelling in that last notification. We totally understand that you’re busy. That you are constantly feeding and changing and then re-feeding your impossibly complicated baby or sleeping whenever you can (never?) or cleaning up a house that literally feels dirty eleven seconds after you finished cleaning it. Possibly, you are emotionally adjusting to the loss of your old life and the constant demands on your time while simultaneously either working full time or trying to deal with the paralyzing isolation that sometimes comes with being a stay-at-home parent. It’s cool!

Also, wanted to give you a quick nudge to use Promo Code: LIFEISCOMPLICATED for an additional 30% on calendars and mugs.

 

6/14/2018
Ok, we will make everything on the site 85% off if you will seriously just log in and print out these photos.

 

7/1/2018
Ok, fine, 100% off.

 

8/17/18
Hello?

 

10/10/2018
Hello??

 

11/7/2018
Hello???

 

12/20/2018
Hi, this is Shutterfly. You don’t even have an account with us, which was why your password kept getting rejected when you were trying to log in. If you’re trying to log in to your Snapfish account to upload a photo for your holiday card, your login is USERNAME: EmotionallyDistraughtParent PASSWORD: PlzHelp1mDrown1ng

 

2/13/2019
Hey, it’s Snapfish. Your mom just printed out a photo book to show her friends and alerted us to the fact that you’re pregnant with your second. We wanted to say congratulations. It’s going to be rough with two of them, but we just want you to know that we’re rooting for you. Don’t even stress about the photos anymore—you’ll get to them when you get to them–you just seem like you’re super overworked and could use a break. I know we’re just a photo website, but we’re made up of workers who have complicated lives and families–people who also don’t always have time to print out photo books and we want you to know it’s going to be ok.

Stay strong. We know that you’re not even uploading photos anymore because you barely have time to shower or brush your teeth. We just wanted to say that we wish you the best and we’ll see you when we see you.

 

9/26/2036
We noticed that you have logged in to your Snapfish account, alerting us to the fact that your youngest is now in college and you have been getting teary-eyed lately when thinking about your empty nest. If you’d like to print out a few of these beautiful photos of your beautiful children, we are more than ready to help you do that.

Welcome back, old friend.

 

Illustration by Mari Andrew

Life insurance that's actually simple.

Estimate your rate

Get the latest news

Get your real rate