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Parent Brain: How to prepare your child for the world when you have no idea what that world will be like

Growing up is far from easy, and you have a long road ahead of you, but it is my job (as your parent) to set you up for success (however one defines that word) when you become an adult. Based on what I know of the world, here is my advice.

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. Also, the most demanding, exhausting, messy, stressful, maddening and hilarious. It’s no wonder that moms and dads can sometimes get a little… loopy. Hey, we’re not here to judge. But what we are here to do is bring a little insight (and a lot of levity) to these unique situations with help from the creator of The Ugly Volvo, Raquel D’Apice. We call this Parent Brain. Consider it proof that you’re not alone. Or crazy.

How to prepare your child for the world when you have no idea what that world will be like

Dear [ENTER YOUR CHILD’S FIRST NAME HERE],

Growing up is far from easy, and you have a long road ahead of you, but it is my job (as your parent) to set you up for success (however one defines that word) when you become an adult. Based on what I know of the world, here is my advice.

1. Get a good education. Study hard. Go to college and consider graduate school.
(Actually, wait. I’m not sure that whole “spend years paying off school loans when you could’ve gotten the information on the internet for free” model is going to keep working by the time you’re an adult. Let’s try this again.)

2. If college still seems relevant, go for it. Or, maybe just learn as much as you can online and wing it? Maybe create something you’re passionate about, and then try to get on a futuristic version of Shark Tank or something?

3. Follow your dreams. Unless your dream involves an occupation which will be primarily done by machines in the upcoming decades, in which case maybe follow one of your other dreams? Dreams that give you health insurance would be ideal here.

4. Try not to live in a constant state of stress. (Also, I want to stress that not living in a constant state of stress might be incredibly difficult if society has been dismantled and you’re living in tents in the Canadian wilderness, foraging for edible lichens in a desperate attempt at survival.) But at the very least, don’t stress about things that don’t really matter.

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5. Don’t spend your whole life looking at your phone. If phones have somehow been abolished in the future because of a freak pulse that destroyed the electrical grid, you can totally disregard this one!

6. Be kind. And if you can’t be kind, at least be civil. I will give you a big heads up that even today being kind and/or civil is sometimes really hard and who knows what it will be like two decades from now, but your relationships with people are maybe the most important thing you will have.

7. Be brave. I’m sitting here in 2018 saying, “be brave,” meaning, don’t be afraid to try new things (Kombucha! Who knew??) or ask for a promotion or tell someone you love them when maybe the type of brave you have to be involves defending your nomadic tent-city from the merciless waves of robot attacks. But whatever sort of brave you have to be, be it. Being brave and being kind are the two most important things on this list.

8. Remember that the path to success is paved with failures. Which might mean you keep applying to medical schools until one lets you in, or you keep submitting manuscripts to a publisher until one accepts your work, or you may have to keep sending up manned space mission after manned space mission until you find another planet with an atmosphere similar enough to Earth’s where you’d feel comfortable starting a colony. Whatever your futuristic obstacles—keep going.

9. Remember to call your parents. Unless of course there are no phones because the electrical grid is down or unless I somehow disappear in the Costa Rican jungle or move to the Arctic Circle or get sucked into the ocean near the Cascadia subduction zone. In which case just cup your hands around your mouth and yell, “I am trying every day to be the best person I can, even though it is so hard,” into the void. And as long as you mean it, please know that wherever I am, I am so, so proud of you.

Love,
Your parent

parent-brain-kid-tools

Raquel D'Apice

About Raquel D'Apice

Raquel D'Apice is a stand-up comic and writer who keeps a parenting/humor blog called The Ugly Volvo. She lives in Jersey City with her husband and a 10- month-old baby who will not stop grabbing her laptop cord.

Read more by Raquel D'Apice

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Haven Life is a customer-centric life insurance agency that’s backed and wholly owned by Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company (MassMutual). We believe navigating decisions about life insurance, your personal finances and overall wellness can be refreshingly simple.

Our editorial policy

Haven Life is a customer centric life insurance agency that’s backed and wholly owned by Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company (MassMutual). We believe navigating decisions about life insurance, your personal finances and overall wellness can be refreshingly simple.

Our content is created for educational purposes only. Haven Life does not endorse the companies, products, services or strategies discussed here, but we hope they can make your life a little less hard if they are a fit for your situation.

Haven Life is not authorized to give tax, legal or investment advice. This material is not intended to provide, and should not be relied on for tax, legal, or investment advice. Individuals are encouraged to seed advice from their own tax or legal counsel.

Our disclosures

Haven Term is a Term Life Insurance Policy (DTC and ICC17DTC in certain states, including NC) issued by Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company (MassMutual), Springfield, MA 01111-0001 and offered exclusively through Haven Life Insurance Agency, LLC. In NY, Haven Term is DTC-NY 1017. In CA, Haven Term is DTC-CA 042017. Haven Term Simplified is a Simplified Issue Term Life Insurance Policy (ICC19PCM-SI 0819 in certain states, including NC) issued by the C.M. Life Insurance Company, Enfield, CT 06082. Policy and rider form numbers and features may vary by state and may not be available in all states. Our Agency license number in California is OK71922 and in Arkansas 100139527.

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